The Dangers of Running

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Image credited to Eve H.

This just in…obesity is overrated! Running is causing people to drop dead like flies!

Anabelle E. and Renee D.

We’ve all had to run for a grade. But should we? Is it necessary? Can’t it be DEADLY? (*cue the dramatic music*)

Did you know that running can cause lungs to collapse? When the distance of running is reflected within a student’s grade, he or she is driven to run past their tolerance level, raising the probability of dropping on the grass in sheer agony. Success is not an option if you’re lying in a coffin, and long runs bring that possibility.

People say running is healthy. Healthy? HEALTHY?! Those. Are. All. LIES. In reality, running has the potential to kill. Are you familiar with the feeling you get when you’re sprinting along and you can’t get enough vital air? That could be your lungs collapsing and your heart failing. In fact, three runners in a half-marathon recently died. They abruptly dropped to the ground from cardiac arrest, which is when your heart and lungs quit. Another incident occurred when 9-year-old Savannah Hardin of Alabama died after running for 3 hours. Many people say, “No pain, no gain.” Yeah, wrong. Maybe our school should invest in buying some comfy lawn chairs so we can rest our weary legs and lungs. Toss in some Xboxes and we’ll call it good.

Running has become quite popular as people advertise it as a “fun” and “healthy” way to exercise. Perhaps this is our government trying to control overpopulation? What other logical way is there to explain the motivation behind bringing such pain to our citizens without consequence?

Fitbits, sneakers, running tights, they’re all just part of this conspiracy.

Our very own P.E. teachers may be out to get us. Perhaps they are servants of this vast government scheme. When they explain a seemingly fun game, and there’s running involved, the real intent may be much darker. While kids are “enjoying” themselves, P.E. teachers may be thinking, “It’s only a matter of time!” We’ve all seen them chatting amongst themselves. Mr. Nemecek, we’re on to you!

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably just lucky. You may come off with other lighter injuries, such as a twisted ankle if you step in a hole. Or perhaps you might have sprained your wrist while trying to catch yourself after tripping in that same hole. To add, you’ll have the broken dignity of landing in the mud. Say hello to be humiliated on Instagram. Adios social life.

Have you ever heard the expression “I only run when I’m being chased”? Well, in this case, it might be safer not to run at all!